Underwhelming Ancient Greek Philosopher’s Works Discovered

 Underwhelming Ancient Greek Philosopher’s Works Discovered

Recently unearthed documents have delighted archeologists and historians alike with the discovery of a literal treasure trove of discarded writings from the almost entirely forgotten and universally ignored philosopher Moronocles (more-on-uh-cleez) who, like Plato, was also a student of Socrates. Little is known about his early life and education, but unlike his famous teacher, Socrates, who never wrote anything down, Moronocles seems to have written everything down. Every thought, no matter how useless, was preserved with painstaking accuracy and stored in a dumpster behind the home of his friend and contemporary, Plato. The voluminous cache of well-preserved documents are sometimes neatly chiseled into tablets, others scribbled on worn-out sandals or cocktail napkins--one entire manuscript is written in tiny print on the discarded toga of Moronocles’ morbidly obese neighbor Diabetes. 

Based on ancient sources, modern scholars believe he was born in Athens between 422 and 426 BC. He was not a good student, receiving barely passing grades, and in high school his class mates voted him “Most likely to need to remind everyone what his name was.” Moronocles gives us little biographical information, but refers at various points to some of his relatives with precision, including his brother Sarcassus, whose manner of speaking annoyed people to no end, resulting in his never being invited to parties. And his sister, Felatia, who seemed to be invited to all the parties.

Moronocles traveled in Italy, Sicily, and Egypt resulting in a lengthy and tiresome treatise on the almost imperceptible differences between styles of mustaches worn in those regions. At forty, Moronocles founded a school of philosophy in Athens on a cheap plot of land near a strip club in an industrial business park near Hecademus. He called the school The Enkósmios, meaning “mundane” or “uninteresting” which some think may have been responsible for its lack of students. The school nearly closed at one point, but thanks to a slip-and-fall accident at an outlet mall in Athens, Moronocles was awarded a healthy settlement and was thus able to keep the school open indefinitely. The Enkósmios operated until his death in 351 BC when he was killed while trying to re-shoe a galloping horse.

Many philosophers visited The Enkósmios, less for study than to take advantage of the complimentary finger snacks that were always on hand--the most prominent of those philosophers being Aristotle, who marveled at the tiny hotdogs wrapped in a flaky dough. 

In one of his more well known exercises, Moronocles seems to borrow rather heavily from Plato’s “Allegory of the Cave.” In Moronocles’ version, he imagines a group of people who have lived their entire lives with their lower lips glued to the floor of a public bathroom, and then they are forced to watch shadows of dwarves baking loaves of bread that are shaped like human genitalia, while people dry their hands on the backs of their togas. It was not clear what this was to illuminate and it drew only snickers from the intelligentsia.

What follows are a few of Moronocles’ most notable scribblings from his magnum opus, “Kápoia Prágmata Skéftika” or loosely translated, “Some Things I Thought.”

Ran into upstairs neighbor while checking out the new Euripides play. He was drunk and made a stupid pun that angered me. “Euripides - I rippa doze,” he says.  I confronted him about wearing his sandals late at night on the hard-wood floor. He also does not believe that the earth is a giant disk resting on the back of an enormous turtle -- the man is an idiot.

Have not had sexual relations in many months since adopting strategy of telling women that I do not want a relationship and only want sex. Should probably cry more during first meeting.

The man who named the Parthenon had a lisp, so is it possible we have all been mispronouncing it?